1999 Colorado Earthquake

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The 1999 Colorado Earthquake, more infamously known as Columbine or NBK, was an incident where Eric Harris and Dylan B. Klebold used Tec-9s and Carbine 995s up their asses to use as dildis, causing a magnitude 6.9 earthquake to strike and kill thirteen people. Initially, Eric Harris and Dylan B. Klebold, inspired by their butt buddies Timothy James McVeigh and Charles Whitman, were planning to have their "day of retribution" on April 19, coincidentally, Waco Day and Patriot's Day, by bringing propane tanks to kill as many people as possible. However, due to the fact that they forgot their ammo, they had to delay it for another day, and it was also a coincidence day (Hitler's 110th birthday). Wearing trench coats and shirts that said "Wrath" and "Natural Selection", the swell duo went out to a shop where Mark Manes and Philip Duran were selling guns. Eric thought that the Tec 9 semi automatic and the Hi-Point Carbine 995 looked swell to be dildos for his ass, so he said to Dylan that he should buy it in order to go with their plan of revenge against the jocks and their other peers. While driving their van to the school, they realized that something went wrong - they forgot to buy ammunition - AGAIN! 

Knowing fair well that their long distant IRC chat butt buddy and secret Trench Coat Mafia member Kip Kinkel failed to orchestrate the worst school shooting in the universe, Eric and Dylan felt defeated already, especially after the fact that they forgot to buy ammunition for their guns. Later on that sunny Colorado day on April 20, 1999, Eric and Dylan were finding a certain area to shove the Tec 9 and Hi-Point Carbine 995 up their asses, causing a magnitude 6.9 earthquake in the town of Littleton. Sadly, within an hour, thirteen people got killed, the police came with a call about "two boys wearing trench coats wielding guns". Fifteen minutes later, the Jefferson County Police and the SWAT team arrived in masses, arrested the duo for threatening to shoot up the school, and gave Eric and Dylan strict punishments of 69000 years in prison. Though no one was killed from the guns used in the Caucasian chimpout, the earthquake created by Klebold and Harris created a new generation of swell men, such as Seung Hui-Cho, TJ Lane, Adam Lanza, and Elliot Rodger.

Sixteen months later in August 2000, Ronald McDonald found a secret path to get out of the Jefferson County Detention Facility. Meanwhile, Eric and Dylan were pondering about how to escape prison and survive the brutal ass rapings of other inmates. Miraculously, Ronald McDonald popped out of a secret hole in Dylan's prison cell, and smashed the wall between the duo. Dragging both Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold down to their road of freedom in Drewland, Ronald McDonald is happy to see that there are two additional members of the Barney Bunch.

By October 2000, many news stations were constantly talking about Harris and Klebold's escapes from the Jefferson County Detention Facility in Colorado, with many of them with uncreative titles such as "Columbine Killers Escape from Prison" and "Trench Coat Men Break Free". However, even to this day, no one in America knows where Harris and Klebold now live. In fact, they are some of the most popular senators of Drewland.

On April 20, 2001, on the second anniversary of the 1999 Colorado Swellquake, Dylan B. Klebold thought about introducing Burberry's trench coats to Drewland. There are approximately 69 Burberry's per Drewland city, with 420 trench coats per store at 99 Drewland dollars each. If you buy two, you'd get free "wrath" and "natural selection" shirts. If you get three, you get not only the shirts and trench coats, but also a free Tec-9 dildo and a free Carbine 995 buttplug with Eric Harris' signature on it.


The earthquake's fatalities

These were the homophobes and undercover Unswell Society members who died because of the earthquake before Harris and Klebold were arrested and taken into custody.

  • Rachel Joy Scott
  • Daniel Rohrbough
  • Dave Sanders
  • Kyle Velasquez
  • Steve Curnow
  • Cassie "Peekaboo" Bernall (the main target)
  • Isaiah Shoels
  • Matthew Kechter
  • Lauren Townsend
  • John Tomlin
  • Kelly Fleming
  • Daniel Mauser
  • Corey DePooter

The Aftermath of the Earthquake

Eric Harris and Dylan B. Klebold pissed the nation and school system off for an outstanding thirteen years. As a result of their dildis wielding incident, trench coats have since been banned in school property and zero tolerance policies started to become stricter because of the earthquake. Unfortunately, it wasn't until 2012 when pedophile Adam Lanza became an hero and caused an earthquake of his own that killed 26 people and himself, something that the swell duo failed to achieve.